Grieving Long After Someone is Dead

Grief comes in waves. At least that's what my Rabbi once told me. My mom has been gone for about 18 months now. Almost exactly 19 months. For some reason, lately the grief is harder than it used to be. I think about her more often than I used to.

Maybe it's not "for some reason". I know exactly what that reason is. I used to be able to talk to my mom about work and right now my work is a bit stifling. When you have a chronic illness, you often feel "lucky" to have a job. I know many people who say "You're so lucky that you can get up and go to work everyday!" and "You're so lucky that your company is ok with you working from home so often when you're sick!"

First, let me make one thing clear: I work, at minimum, 60 hours a week. There's nothing "lucky" about that. With or without being sick, I'm overloaded. That's not normal - not even for a healthy person. Second, my work doesn't have to be "ok" with me working from home, they don't have a choice. I either work from home or the work doesn't get done. Simple as that. Last, I feel stuck right now. I'm not getting ahead and my mom would totally understand that. I'm missing the "mom" advice that only she could give.

I'm also missing the advice she could give me on raising my kids.

Both of my grandmothers raised kids without having mothers of their own. Both of their mothers died - although my paternal great-grandmother died in a fire, my maternal great-grandmother died in Auschwitz. Neither of my grandmothers had someone to rely on for "mothering" advice, they had to wing it on their own. I have my sisters, my stepmom, my friends...but I don't have my mom and that kind of sucks. There are things I think she'd understand that my dad or anyone else just understands differently. My mom just understood me differently.

I guess that grief never really ends. Some days it's just more subdued than others.


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